她曾经历过难以想象的悲痛。她的建议是：“伸手去抓住快乐。”
2026年8月19日 / 美国东部时间上午8:20 / 哥伦比亚广播公司新闻
“每个人的悲痛都是不同的，”凯特·多奇说道。在自己的家庭接连遭遇令人心碎的损失后，她将帮助他人度过人生中最艰难的时刻作为了自己的使命。
多奇的父亲因心力衰竭去世，母亲在圣诞节前五天的一场车祸中丧生，随后在2022年，她16岁的女儿佩妮也离开了人世——佩妮是一道“明亮的光”，在与一种罕见疾病——神经纤维瘤病——抗争的同时，过着充满爱意的生活。
“你会永远将悲痛随身携带，”她说，“但我想说的是，你可以同时将悲痛和快乐放在同一个地方。”
多奇成为了一名持证 grief coach（悲伤辅导师），并撰写了一本书《重塑悲痛》。她将这本书形容为自己在最需要时希望能拥有的那本书——一本为人们指明道路的书，让你可以主动地走出悲痛，而不是任由悲痛将你淹没。
不是“向前看”，而是“走过悲痛”
“我认为有时人们会为‘向前看’而感到愧疚。你永远不会‘向前看’，你只是在走过悲痛，”多奇说。
她鼓励人们“伸手去抓住快乐”，哪怕是在黑暗的时刻。
“能够稍微注入一点‘伸手抓住快乐’的契机——哪些事情能带给你快乐？你可以去墓地，但可以带上他喜爱的花，穿上他最爱的颜色的衣服。这样你依然在走过悲痛，也在向前迈进。”
还有哪些抓住快乐的方式？
“都是些小事，”她说，“开车时播放你喜爱的音乐，你想听哪首歌？什么能带给你快乐？带着你的狗狗出门散步，或是和朋友一起出门。让你的脸庞沐浴在阳光下。喝一杯美味的咖啡。你知道的，不必是多么宏大的事情。”
与他人建立联结
多奇说，关键的建议之一是与他人建立联结。
这是她所称的“悲伤五大行动”清单中的首要事项——这并非你可能听过的五个悲伤阶段，而是五个可以帮助你在人生中携悲痛前行的行动。
“我们人类彼此需要。为了走过人生和失去带来的伤痛，你需要有人陪在身边。有科学研究表明，拥有联结——不必是多么宏大的联结，无论是悲伤互助小组、跑步俱乐部，还是去你的健身课——联结可以减少持续性悲痛的发生，减少创伤后应激障碍、焦虑和抑郁的出现，”她解释道。
“因此我认为这是我采取的第一步，第一个行动，因为我也意识到悲痛会让人与世隔绝。它确实会，真的会让人感到非常孤独。”
纪念你所爱的人
行动清单上的第二项是纪念你所爱的人，哪怕正处在悲伤之中。
“这很难做到，”多奇说，“我认为还是那些小事……就是记住你所爱的人喜欢什么，并为他们做些事情。穿上他们喜爱的颜色的衣服，做他们爱吃的食物。你知道的，那些小事，比如播放他们一直听的音乐。用这些方式与他们建立联结，以此来纪念他们。
“通过做他们热爱的事情，你让他们的精神遗产得以延续。”
敞开心扉接纳信号
第三个行动带有精神层面的意义：敞开心扉接纳信号。
多奇将其描述为一种信念——不同于宗教信仰，而是一种相信自己正走在命中注定的道路上的信念。这意味着去寻找联结的时刻，敞开心扉去接纳那些代表你所爱的人仍与你同在的信号。
对她而言，瞥见蝴蝶就是一个能让她想起女儿佩妮的信号，佩妮曾戴着一条小小的蝴蝶项链。
“蝴蝶这个意象代表着一颗永不熄灭的灵魂，永远追寻着光明。这完全就是佩妮，”她说，“我们睁开眼睛去发现这些信号，这是多么美好的一件事啊？”
动起来
清单上的下一个行动是：动起来。身体活动的力量可以帮助你熬过情感上的失去。
“当人们说，我无法想象失去一个孩子的痛苦，我会说，想象一下如果你真的经历了这一切。与其躲在床上拉过被子盖住头，不想起床，你的孩子会希望你怎么做？他们会希望你站起来，一步一步往前走，”多奇说。
“只是让自己走到户外，”她继续说道，“如果你能做到这一点，你就能继续坚持下去。你也在向他人展示你正在向前迈进。因此，调动身体的能量，让焦虑通过身体排出去，这至关重要。”
将痛苦转化为使命
多奇在书中列出的五大行动的最后一项，是将痛苦转化为使命。
在女儿生命的最后几周，当佩妮被诊断出无法手术的脑肿瘤时，一家人选择“用爱和光明填满房子，打造这个爱的茧房”。他们举办了一场生命庆祝会，播放了佩妮最爱的歌曲。
第二天，她说，她和丈夫醒来后意识到，他们需要做些什么来凝聚这份爱与支持。对他们而言，这意味着“我们必须找到治愈夺走她生命的疾病的方法”。
他们创立了佩妮飞行基金会，为寻找神经纤维瘤病治疗方法的科学研究提供资金，并向公众普及这种鲜为人知的疾病——这种疾病实际上比肌萎缩侧索硬化症（ALS）更为常见。
“有15万人患有神经纤维瘤病，而ALS患者有3万人。每个人都知道ALS，因为冰桶挑战和相关的宣传活动。但没有人了解神经纤维瘤病，”这种疾病在不同患者身上的表现各不相同。
如何提供帮助
对于那些不知道该对遭受悲痛打击的人说些什么的人，她有什么建议？
她的建议很简单：“你知道吗，我在想着你。哪怕只是一条简单的短信，仅仅是这份联结。让他们知道自己被支持着，意义重大。”
“我们去散散步吧，我随时都在，”她提议道，“你知道现实是怎样的吗？这可能需要时间，但要一直让他们知道你在他们身边，你爱他们，支持他们。”
她还建议了一些替代直接说“我很抱歉”的方式——或者当你完全不知道该说什么时的应对方法。
“我在这一切中了解到，当有人走到你面前说，‘我记得你母亲曾经做过这件事’，或者‘我喜欢和你母亲打网球，因为那件事’，这是多么重要。这太美好了，因为这是一种联结的方式。你在延续他们的精神遗产。”
“你只需迈出那一步，就能建立联结，”她说，“你不仅在延续她的精神遗产，还在建立联结……所以哪怕你不知道该说什么，只要说‘我和你在一起，我的拥抱环绕着你，我爱你’就好。”
She’s lived through unimaginable grief. Her advice: “Reach for the joy.”
August 19, 2026 / 8:20 AM EDT / CBS News
“Everyone’s grief is different,” says Kate Doerge — and after experiencing heartbreaking loss in her own family, she’s made it her mission to help others find their way through the most difficult time in their life.
Doerge lost her father to heart failure, her mother in a car crash just five days before Christmas, and then, in 2022, her 16-year-old daughter Penny — “a bright light” who lived a love-filled life while coping with a rare disease, neurofibromatosis.
“You hold your grief with you always,” she says. “But what I would say to that is, you can hold grief and joy in the same space.”
Doerge became a certified grief coach and wrote a book, Reimagining Grief, which she describes as the book she wishes she’d had when she needed it — one that illuminates a path for moving through grief with agency instead of just letting it wash over you.
Not moving on, moving through
“I think sometimes people feel guilty for moving on. You’re never ‘moving on.’ You’re moving through,” Doerge says.
She encourages people to “reach for the joy,” even in times of darkness.
“To be able to infuse, a little bit, that opportunity of ‘reach for the joy’ — what are the things that bring you joy? You can go to the cemetery, but what are the flowers he loved? Wear his favorite color. So you’re still moving through it and you’re moving forward.”
Other ways of reaching for joy?
“It’s the little things,” she says. “It’s turning on music you love driving down the road. And what song do you want to hear? What’s going to bring you joy? Getting outside with your dogs or with a friend. Putting your face in the sunshine. A great cup of coffee. You know, it doesn’t have to be a lot.”
Connect with others
A key piece of advice, Doerge says, is to connect with others.
It’s the No. 1 thing on the list she calls the five actions of grief — not the five stages you may have heard of in the past, but five actions that can help you carry grief through your life.
“We as human beings need each other. In order to move through life and loss, you need someone by your side. And there is scientific research that has showed that with connection — and it doesn’t have to be big, whether it’s a grief group or it’s a runner’s club or going to your exercise class — connection reduces the amount of prolonged grief. It reduces the amount of PTSD, anxiety and depression,” she explains.
“And so I think that was the first step, the first action I took, because I also recognized grief is isolating. It is, it can be really lonely.”
Celebrate your loved one
The second item on the action list is to celebrate your loved one, even in the midst of sadness.
“It’s hard to celebrate,” Doerge says. “I think it’s the little things. … It’s about remembering what your loved ones loved and doing something in their honor. Wearing the color that they loved. Serving this food that they loved. You know, the little things of playing the music that they listened to all the time. What’s ways you can connect with them, and therefore you’re celebrating them.
“You’re keeping their legacy alive by doing the things they loved.”
Be open to signs
Action No. 3 has a spiritual dimension: Be open to signs.
Doerge describes this as a kind of faith — not the same as religious faith, but a belief that you’re on the path you’re meant to be. It means looking for moments of connection and being open to signs that your loved one is still with you.
For her, a glimpse of a butterfly is a sign that evokes her daughter Penny, who wore a little butterfly necklace.
“This idea of a butterfly represents an inextinguishable soul always drawn to the light. And that’s so Penny,” she says. “And how beautiful is it for us to open our eyes to the signs?”
Get moving
The next action on the list: Get moving. The power of physical movement can help you push through emotional loss.
“When people say, I can’t imagine losing a child, I’ll say, Imagine if you did. Imagine instead of staying in bed with the covers over your head, not wanting to get out of bed, what would your child want you to do? They would want you to get up, one foot in front of the other,” Doerge says.
“Just get yourself outside,” she continues. “If you show yourself you can do that, then you can keep going. You’re showing others you’re moving forward. So it is critical to move that energy, to move that anxiety through your body.”
Turn pain into purpose
The last of the five actions Doerge lists in her book is to turn pain into purpose.
During the last weeks of her daughter’s life, when Penny had developed an inoperable brain tumor, the family chose “to fill the house with love and light and create this love cocoon.” They held a celebration of life filled with her favorite songs.
The next day, she says, she and her husband woke up and realized they needed to do something to harness all that love and support. For them, it meant “we have to find a cure for the condition that took her life.”
They founded Penny’s Flight Foundation to fund scientific research to find a cure for neurofibromatosis, a genetic condition that causes tumors to grow on nerve pathways, and to educate the public about this little-known condition that’s actually more common than ALS.
“150,000 people have NF, 30,000 people have ALS. Everyone knows of ALS because of the Ice Bucket Challenge and all the awareness. But no one knows about NF,” a condition that looks different in different patients.
How to offer support
What advice does she have for those who don’t know what to say to someone stricken with grief?
She keeps it simple: “You know, I’m thinking about you. Even if it’s a simple text, just that connection. And knowing that they are supported means so much.”
“Let’s go for a walk, I’m here for you,” she offers. “And you know what the reality is? It may take time, but just keep showing them you’re there for them and you love them and you’re supporting them.”
She also suggests some alternatives to just saying “I’m sorry” — or not knowing what to say at all.
“What I have learned through all of this is how important it is when someone comes up to you and says,’ I remember the time your mother did this,’ or ‘I loved playing tennis with your mother because of that.’ And that is so beautiful, because that’s a way that you’re connecting. You’re keeping their legacy alive.”
“You create a connection by just taking that step,” she says. “Not only are you keeping her legacy alive, but you’re creating the connection. … So even if you don’t know what to say, just to say I’m here with you, my arms are wrapping around you, I love you.”
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